boundary scripts
work - boss
The situation: You're already overloaded at work, yet your boss wants to put yet another project on your plate. You don't want to say no, but you know that saying yes could put the project at risk and maybe even make your boss look bad. Here are some examples of what to say:
Green Level: "I'm sorry, but I have a very full plate right now. Is there anyone else who can take this project on? If not, and you really need me on this one, I need for us to take a look at the others projects and together figure out which ones can be de-prioritized so I can work on that one."
Yellow Level: "You know I normally love to help the team, but I'm already overloaded as it is with X, Y, Z projects."
Red Level: "I'm already over capacity and approaching a breaking point. Let's set up a time to discuss some possible solutions."
work-colleague
The situation: Your co-worker expects you to respond to their Slack messages immediately, and gets upset at you when you don't respond right away. You want to be able to stay focused on the task you're working on and not have to stop mid-workflow to respond to them. Here's how you can approach your colleague:
Green Level: "Ooh! I'm right in the middle of a task right now, but I'll be able to respond in ~30 minutes."
Yellow Level: Take half a minute or so to respond, then say: "I'm right in the middle of something right now, I'll reply later."
Red Level: Automate a boundary by setting your status to "Away/Do Not Disturb" when you start a task you know is going to take a while and don't want to be disturbed. If they still contact you, you can follow up later saying, "Hi. My apologies for the delay. I started using the 'Away' feature so I can get more focus time. It's been a game-changer for my productivity! Now, about that item you asked for..." Who knows, you might even set a new trend for your team so you all can have more undisturbed time to get things done!
your parents
The situation: Your parents tend to dominate an upcoming holiday, always setting the day's plans months in advance, and they always expect you to be there. This year, you'd like to spend it in another way and you know that telling them you won't be there will disappoint them.
Green Level: "While I normally love being with you for the holiday, this year I'm wanting to do something a little different for myself, so I won't be coming over. But I'd love to FaceTime you so I can say hi and see everyone for a few minutes."
Yellow Level: "This year I'm going to do something different for the upcoming holiday. I'll call you to say hi, but plan on me not being there."
Red Level: "I'm actually doing something else this year, but I'll FaceTime you during dinner."
partner/spouse/bf/gf
The situation: Your Significant Other needs/wants to be more social than you do. You really like your alone time. You want to communicate with them that you don't always want to do what they want to do, but you don't want to hurt their feelings. Here's how you can communicate what you need:
Green Level: "While I love hanging out with you and friends, I really could use an evening to myself, so I'm going to rest tonight. You have fun and I look forward to hearing about it later."
Yellow Level: "I'm staying in by myself tonight. I can tell I need some rest."
Red Level: "Having time by myself is really important for my mental health. If this is hard for you to understand or accept, let's have a conversation about it after I'm more rested."